Anti-Scene

[Originally written some time in 2002]

As far as I know, there is not much of a real scene here in New Jersey. Granted, I have come across many people that used their entire allowance at Hot Topic, just for the simple fact of being able to say: "I shop at Hot Topic, I'm cool" or what have you. Oh yes, I am ever so impressed because you gave in and decided to support a corporation, while in the meantime, mommy is sewing your brand new patch onto your black backpack so you can show it off on Monday in school.

So yeah, aside from those that blatantly scream "I spend my allowance at Hot Topic to make mommy and daddy pissed", there are the ever present metal heads, hip hop dudes and a random spattering of punks—tho most of them are all about the fashion and will make faces at you if you don’t fit the stereotype. Then there’s the preppy douchebags and their fake ‘n’ bake girlfriends rolling around in plastic cars that they can't handle at high speeds—tho they do put so much effort into showing how fast they can go. Just can't wait to die, I suppose.

From what I have experienced, there is no united scene around here. Maybe I can't really speak for the rest of the state, because I haven't been everywhere in Jersey. Here in E-town, there's nothing. Oh, and that so-called 'club' one city over...it doesn't even deserve recognition. The only 'dress code' enforced there is green. Enough said.

Being inspired by certain things isn't bad, but blindly falling into a genre or trend is pure stupidity. It happens all the time, tho people are never aware that they do it, and they certainly make for good amusement.

Anyway, getting to the point. Yes, I have indeed reaped a benefit from the fact that 'unusual' clothing is more readily available. However, it also means that anyone who just thinks it's 'cool' or "my friends will freak when they see me in this" will grow bored and move on. There are countless times where I hear the story of "oh, I used to dress like that". The reason you don't now, is because you only liked the novelty of the clothing/accessories/music. Do you seriously think you're going to convince me to change just because you grew out of your phase?

That's always been good for a laugh. If I was going thru a 'phase', I'm quite sure I would have grown out of it by now. Let's see, I'll be 21 in December, which means I've been in my 'phase' for about six years now. That's sort of beating a dead horse, eh?

However, it is important to stop caring and not let the exploding 'trends' bother me, as I know that one day it will get boring, and the next 'new thing' will be sought after. While all the lemmings gather, I'll just continue to be myself. Of course I know that there are plenty of people who say: "This is just me". Sure, I'll believe that, considering the fact that the majority of the people who do say that [once again] are corporate Hot Topic products. Manufactured DIY is such an oxymoron. If it has pre-made, you are only impressing the other idiots who do not comprehend the purpose of DIY.

In any event I am straying from my point.

There are many different labels that people attempt to place on me, from 'goth' to 'punk', and other not so nice names], but I have never really considered myself to be any of these.

In my heart, I have a fondness for the circus and sideshow, which has been with me for numerous years. My best friend said that he considers me to be a true Carny, and since that is not an honor one can easily gain, I might as well start wearing it with pride. There is joy in modifying my body, to please only my own aesthetic. Clothes, hair, make-up and accessories follow the same vein. The music I listen to and movies I watch are because I want to, not so I can throw around my knowledge of them adnausem. These are just things that make up me, not because they are a part of some stereotypical genre or scene. You cannot lump me into your general categories, and it's simply because I don't belong in any of them.

Even while wearing clothes I don't consider being 'dressed up' in, some random woman passed me on the sidewalk and said "Cool outfit". My appearance can make a good conversation starter, but I have noticed after a few minutes, people are looking past my skin, and are talking to me. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I carry myself with confidence, and I do not allow trends to dictate what I should or should not wear.

In the end, I will always feel like the eternal misfit, because I know that there is no one else like me. However, I choose to embrace this, knowing that I am true to myself and don't need to play some character in order for people to like me, as I have no interest in fake friends. Take your scene and shove it; I'm proud to be a Carny, and no can ever take that away from me.

Making No Apologies

There have been a lot of events in my life that have helped shaped me into the person I am today. Some of them will always be cherished, while others I desperately wish to rid from my brain once and for all.

For whatever reason, I have spent a lot of time supporting others and being the person they perceive me to be. Within relationships, I have compromised to make someone else happy. In rare circumstances, I stopped being myself out of fear of rejection.

While I am certainly pleased with my ability to act [I am a Carny after all], denying my true self is a lie that eats me up inside.

People make assumptions about me all the time, and even more so, really enjoy talking shit. There's been plenty of posts that are dedicated to making fun of me. Which is touching and all, seeing as how random anonymous individuals can pass judgment on someone they have never met, nor even tried talking to. It takes minimal effort to converse with me, and I talk way more than given credit for. Ask me the right questions, and I can ramble. Bring something interesting to the table, and I am sure that we can chat for hours.

In the past week, I've had two people get angry enough to say "Go fuck yourself". Am I really that much of an awful human being that I do not even deserve to be spoken to with respect?

It occurs that perhaps I am not the problem, despite what some people may want me to believe. I can be a total sweetheart or a complete asshole. To be honest, it really depends on how you approach me. Some times I am not in the mood to talk, and tho I understand this can give the wrong impression, if you want to make assumptions about me, I don't want to know you.

There are plenty of reasons I have for not wanting to interact with people. Tho I have given freely of myself in many ways, kindness has often been taken advantage of. Caring too much about others has led me to neglect myself, and I am tired of being treated like a doormat. Perhaps I am also too trusting and open with my feelings, but I was raised to communicate and not hold anything back.

I would rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I am not. People tell me they understand, but they sure turn tail and run when things get rough. I can be very emotional, and not everyone knows how to deal with that. However, I do not ask people to care or whatever. If you take that upon yourself, you need to accept the fact that I am not a fucking plastic doll; I have an opinion and I am not afraid to express it.

There is not a lot I ask of those who wish to be my friends [or engage in a more meaningful relationship]. Do not lie to me, steal from me, cheat on me or otherwise fuck me over, and I will show you the same respect. It seems very simple to me, but people act like I'm asking for the moon and stars. Do not tell me that you care and then not show it. Talk is cheap; actions speaks volumes of your character, and the truth always surfaces sooner or later.

I have spent way too much time trying to 'do the right thing' for the sake of satisfying someone else's needs. I have compromised and made changes [to my benefit on a few occasions] only to be tossed aside like a used napkin.

That ends now.

There is endless pride in being myself and not trying to 'fit in'. I do not need to be stereotyped or lumped into a genre; they're all quite teeming with drama and bullshit, which I want no part of. Once upon a time I was appreciated for what I was worth, and loved every minute of it. I miss being that person and wonder why I have allowed myself to be convinced that was a bad thing.

If you cannot deal with who I am, then please, do not waste my time with lies and bullshit. Do not tell me you are my friend and then walk all over me. Do not tell me you care but do little to show it. Do not take advantage of my kindness and trust, then turn around and throw it in my face.

Never again will I apologize for being me, and I am taking great caution with who I trust and call my friend. It will be an honor reserved for those who prove they are worthy of the title. Everyone else can kindly fuck off.